Esotropiart

The last couple days I've felt severely drained. I can't be sure why. I feel like I need a severe Spirit lift again. I've been thinking a lot about faith: a LOT. I'm on the verge of taking some pretty big leaps of faith. I am trying to learn more about faith in general and am testing my own motives before I take the plunge. A passage that stuck out to me today (regarding prayer):

Now it came to pass, as He was praying in a certain place, when He ceased, that one of His disciples said to Him, "Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples."

So He said to them, "When you pray, say:

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us day by day our daily bread.
And forgive us our sins,
For we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one."

And He said to them, "Which of you shall have a friend, and go to him at midnight and say to him, 'Friend, lend me three loaves; for a friend of mine has come to me on his journey, and I have nothing to set before him'; and he will answer from within and say, 'Do not trouble me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give to you'? I say to you, though he will not rise and give to him because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will rise and give him as many as he needs.

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"

Luke 11:1-13 NKJV

I was greatly affected by reading this passage again today. I don't know for sure what to do with my situation or how to act in faith. Yet here is one thing that is reliable and true. God has answered many prayers since this whole life changing thing happened. One in particular I'd like to point out was my prayer to be filled with the Holy Spirit with power, in the same way as the disciples did in the early church. He has been doing this. Maybe I'm not healing people like crazy or converting thousands to the cause of Christ or have a burning tongue of fire on my head. Yet God has given me of His Spirit in an unprecedented dosage. It's as if the Spirit is answering my call for companionship. Though my flesh screams for someone I can touch and interact with, God is providing just enough for me to still be reliant on Him.

I'm not sure how literally to consider this passage concerning prayer. It seems to indicate that consistency or persistence is going to affect the outcome of prayer. I'm not sure what to think about that. Sometimes I feel like continually praying for the miracle I hope for is "getting old" to His infinitely wise ears! He already knows what's best and what He's going to do. He certainly doesn't need my advice. Yet I don't know what else to do but cry out to Him and express my desires and longings.

The parable of the father giving good gifts to his children is one of my favorites. It's so simple. It seems like such a clear message. If I were to ask a question such as, "Is God really going to answer my prayers directly? It seems most of the time He prefers to answer in His own time, in ways that are different than what we expect or ask for." But this passage seems to indicate God isn't going to give tricky or bad gifts at all. He's not going to give us a scorpion when we ask for an egg. Just like an earthly father doesn't deny his child a good gift.

This passage is ended by saying, "how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!" To me that sounds very specific. It doesn't say, "will give us what we ask for, just like our earthly fathers, yet better!". So I don't know if these concepts can be applied to any prayer, or if it's just talking about God giving us His Spirit in limitless supply. I am indeed asking for more of the Spirit and am receiving an answer. However, I also have very pressing issues and frantic prayers, for I am needy.

I need to know whether I should have assurance of what I hope for and be convinced of receiving an answer to things I cannot see. Should I hope against all hope? In reality, there is no hope for my situation outside of Jesus Christ. Yet I don't know what He wishes to do. I don't know how to believe that my specific prayers will be answered. It seems His sovereignty allows Him to do whatever He wants, in spite of what we pray... as He should. Yet the Bible seems to offer so much hope for us in our prayers, and condemns a lack of faith.

It feels pathetic to pray like this, "Do whatever you will, Lord, whatever that might be." That feels like a complete lack of faith (not to mention pointless... because even without praying, He's going to do what He's going to do!). It's like saying, "Lord, you never give us what we ask for specifically, so it's hopeless to list out specific requests. You're just going to do whatever it is You want anyway, so I'm just hopelessly confessing that reality by submitting to whatever your sovereign will is." While there are bits of truth in that prayer too (admitting God's sovereignty), it feels weak and lacking in faith. And without faith, it is impossible to please God. While Jesus was on earth, He was constantly saddened by people's lack of faith, calling them a faithless generation - including His own disciples! I don't want to be faithless, let me tell you! But how do I pray specific prayers in faith, believing I will receive what I pray for? I'm still learning.

Man, I'm so lost without God. It would be a hopeless sight to discover what my life would look like without Him. I get sick just considering the hypothetical, much less seeing a vision of it. Yet the perspective is valuable - to remind us of our constant dependence on Him.