Esotropiart

Perhaps if we understood faith, it would no longer be faith? Don't know, for I haven't even figured that out, much less faith.

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Hebrews 11:6 NKJV

Something has changed recently in my life regarding a lot of things, including faith. It is so much change that I truly don't comprehend what's going on. My mind is incapacitated by it all, and I feel recklessly tossed into an ocean of truth and possibilities.

I cannot coherently describe what's going on as I sit bewildered by the moving of God in my life. I feel hopelessly overwhelmed by His presence, yet at the same time I long for more! I am flooded with Light and Truth, but I feel empty, as if there's no amount that can satisfy! It's totally bizarre.

Of course I'm sure my thirst for all things spiritual and my need for God is amplified by the severe hole left by missing companionship. I sense an unfortunate connection between my devotion to God and the toils and trials of life that would otherwise be intolerable without Him. Sure, it's a great "habit" to run to the Master in times of great need. Yet I wish devotion to be self-sustaining so I no longer have to run back and forth, responding to this and that.

I don't want to be doomed to times of trouble just so I can be a faithful disciple in His hands. Nevertheless, I wouldn't trade His presence for that of anyone else, or any other material reward.

I find it rather "easy" to believe that God is - that He exists. I don't feel there is any room for doubt there, because He has proved His presence and sustenance throughout my lifetime. Not only that, but I believe wholeheartedly what He says about Himself in Scripture.

Sadly, my belief is not always life-transforming. As P.J. always said, the goal is to move God 18 inches, from the mind into the heart, or "gut" his fond substitute. To believe truths in one's mind is pretty easy. Having such truths transform one's being entirely is a different challenge.

Of course I believe God is good and that in general "He rewards those who diligently seek Him". I have been going through an amazing time of reward the last few weeks. Then doubt creeps in and tells me that it is yet another of those spiritual high points. Sooner or later I'll be back to my needy self, unfit for most Kingdom work. Rather than my gut telling me that, no matter what, God will love and reward me... it rather tells me not to get too excited or hopeful.

I want to get to the point where my faith is sustained by the gut feeling that God is on the verge of doing something miraculous. It's too easy to slouch in a deep couch and assume we are not even worthy of His kindness. And in reality, we are not. Yet God chooses to call us His children. He has made us worthy through Christ. As our Father, He enjoys giving us good gifts, like any earthly father would. Impress this in me deep, permanently! That's what I must believe to the very fiber of my being, no matter what it appears to my flesh what hell is breaking loose around me.

Even so, it is not good for a man to be alone. After all God has done, I feel severely weakened by my loneliness and longing for a true, loving companion. Debates circle around in my mind. What should I do? What sort of commitments should I boldly declare before God, disregarding logic and considering all things lost for Him? What does He expect of me in light of dire circumstances? I'm trying to be patient, to await His deliverance and perfect timing. Yet maybe He is waiting for me to do something! Aaah! For the moment, I feel the safer course of action is to wait on Him, rather than act rashly... at least until I feel I have some assurance for faith to act upon.