Cabin Retreat
Enough with the introductions, right? Tell you what actually happened at the cabin, eh? Well, not much "happened" at the cabin. I spent the majority of my time there sitting around the interior of an A-Frame cabin. I prayed, I worshiped God in music and song, I read and listened to the word, I wept, and I slept. I was not sure exactly what I was hoping to achieve in this. I just felt the need to do it. Life has been tumultuous and painful. Most of the time I feel as though life itself is being folded up like an envelope in the darkness.
Yet throughout the great darkness of experience, the despair of mind and heart, God has been working great miracles in my life. I can't even explain what He is doing, for words fail. So what testimony will I have in the end? Perhaps my testimony will be to remain silent and hope that the very voice of God dictates the story. He is the only One who knows what's really going on here. The rest of what I try to say or describe sounds quaint as folly and trespass, even to myself.
As has been the case for the last couple months, the primary thing I got out of my time at the cabin was an increased awareness to the truth contained in the Word of God, namely the Bible. So far, the effectiveness of listening audibly to the Bible has not waned. It is still a powerful sword piercing my soul each time I put the headphones on and press "play". Almost intolerably so. I cannot listen to a single word of the Lord without my heart sinking to the floor, my eyes welling up, and my soul yearning to see the face of the Lord. It is too powerful for me to hear and too lofty for me to fully understand. Yet the very way the words are arranged and the story they tell is enough to render me motionless and listless.
If I allow Him to do so, what the Lord God Almighty is providing me is comfort and company. In a life of solitude and abandonment, He is able to provide all I need. Yet in my struggles against Him, I continually argue and "show" Him what I would like to receive, what I think I "need". He has been patient with me through my fits and has not cast me into outer darkness. Instead, He has taken me from outer darkness and shrouded me in the cavern of light, where only He too awaits. All is devastated around, a barren wasteland repeats a thousand tiles beyond. Yet He waits for me with open hands, blinding me with His love. If only my sin and flesh didn't gravitate a resistance to His offer. I am offered Adam's reward, a walk with Him in the garden. Yet I too often settle to walk alone, struggling in sin and sadness.
I guess what I'm s l o w l y learning through all this right now is faith, obedience, Godly fear, humility, quietude, listening. What I'm reading is continually pointing me to the sovereignty - the imperial and lofty Kingship - of God. All the other lessons seem to stem from this idea. I must believe in the King's ability to make all things turn out for good = faith. Even if it looks like everything is going to pot, to hell. I must obey, in spite of my past of disobedience, in spite of disobedience in those around me and the world at large = obedience. I must fear and tremble before the Lord God Almighty who made the heavens and the earth and who disrupts the nations and holds all creation together by His Word = Godly fear. I must lower myself and attempt to allow my will to be subject if not eradicated before the supremeness of His own = humility. I must simply slam my lips shut and slap myself silly if my voice gets in the way of the very voice of God = quietude. In the span of my silence, I must listen to and not quench the words that are being spoken = listening.
Sounds like pretty righteous, holy living, right? Let's congratulate me on my vast and glorious achievements, shall we? Heaven Forbid! Who said I'm actually doing or "achieving" any of these things?! Even if one good fruit appeared, who said it would be me who nurtured or planted it?! I said these are the lessons I'm being taught. If I already attained them, I would not need the lessons. I will not attain near one of them before my bones waste away and my body is wrapped around a cone (a bit of my nonsense coming through - don't try to sap some symbolism out of it). I feel even so that this is just phase one - like God's lessons for me 101. Even if I were to "graduate" from these lessons (which I won't, for they are lifelong), I would still have a hundred lessons to go. So far I feel I've been just barely passed a few of the trials. Some of them I've failed miserably, with kicks to the face and clumps of dust and glass in my mouth and eyes. If I don't even now turn my back on God and run to darkness, reviling all that is good and holy, it is by the very grace of God!
It is the very kindness of God that brought me to repentance. In my darkness and mourning I did not conceive the option to do anything good. Even now, after the holy work of Christ in me, I am still capable of the worst of things. I succeed moment by moment only as each of those segments of time are intentionally crucified with Christ on the very cross of His shame, myself shamed by the very possibilities of my flesh. Each minute is an Adam's choice to take the apple presented to me to God Himself and show it to Him - ask Him to either make the choice for me or dispose of it entirely. To my dismay I am perfectly free to hide in the bushes and consume the fruit of evil. No one will know except Him and me. For me that fact is frightening! I long to let His light shine in the most secret moments! May it all be exposed now, so that when He appears, there will be nothing remaining to hide!
So what did I receive or benefit from going to the cabin? That is precisely what I cannot explain, and that is why it has taken me about 10 blog posts to get anywhere near approaching. I Don't Know! Though it would be near blasphemy to say I received nothing, I cannot say I am cured or wholly satisfied with the experience. When I woke up on Tuesday, the day I was to return to Portland, I was sad again. In fact, "waking up" is entirely inaccurate! I couldn't sleep at all. I didn't get to sleep until midnight after reading more and more of the Bible each hour I couldn't rest. Then, I woke up again at 3:00 in the morning, never to sleep again! I begged for sleep, but I didn't get it. It was in this state of distress and unrest that I made my way back home.
Don't get me wrong, not only was my time in La Pine glorious and restful - not to mention that God met me there (Hello!) - but Tuesday itself was an awesome day too! The weather was ridiculously fair, and I fully enjoyed my time on the road, making a few entertaining stops along the way. It was not until almost approaching Tigard again that I realized I felt lacking or sad again. I remembered again that my situation has not actually changed - that I'm still alone, clueless about life plans, unsure of mission and purpose.
I arrived home pretty early. Because I couldn't sleep Monday night and was up since 3:00, I decided to just take off. Normally I sleep in the last day at the cabin and take it easy. Instead I winterized the night before and ended up leaving around 7:00 in the morning. I spent a couple hours in Bend, but then came straight home. It was certainly a record early flight for me (though not as crazy as this one).
Aside from the amazing things taught to me directly from Scripture, prime among the things the Trinity is teaching me directly right now is His sovereignty. This cabin trip is yet another illustration that lends itself to the Master's training. During my prayers at the cabin, one of the subjects that kept surfacing is a desperate prayer for miraculous restoration - both in my spirit and in my marriage. I continually prayed against the forces of darkness infringing on their rights to gain way too much access to the children of God, especially me and D.
I received no "answer" or overwhelming sense of peace regarding these prayers of desperation. Why? Because God is sovereign King and Lord of all creation. Huh? What? What does that mean? How does that add up? I see it this way:
In His time, in His time.
He makes all things beautiful, in His time.
Lord, please show me everyday,
As You're teaching me Your way,
That You'll do just what You say, in Your time.
God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your nameBlessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your nameEvery blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious nameBlessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your nameBlessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your nameEvery blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious nameYou give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
1Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 2For by it the people of old received their commendation. 3By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.
4By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. 5By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. 7By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
8By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. 10For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. 11By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. 12Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore.
13These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.
17By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son, 18of whom it was said, "Through Isaac shall your offspring be named." 19He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back. 20By faith Isaac invoked future blessings on Jacob and Esau. 21By faith Jacob, when dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, bowing in worship over the head of his staff. 22By faith Joseph, at the end of his life, made mention of the exodus of the Israelites and gave directions concerning his bones.
23By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king's edict. 24By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, 25choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward. 27By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible. 28By faith he kept the Passover and sprinkled the blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might not touch them.
29By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. 30By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. 31By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.
32And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets - 33who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, 34quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. 35Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. 36Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated - 38of whom the world was not worthy - wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.
39And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, 40since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect.
Hebrews 11
14Are we saying, then, that God was unfair? Of course not! 15For God said to Moses,
"I will show mercy to anyone I choose,
and I will show compassion to anyone I choose."16So it is God who decides to show mercy. We can neither choose it nor work for it.
17For the Scriptures say that God told Pharaoh, "I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you and to spread my fame throughout the earth." 18So you see, God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen.
19Well then, you might say, "Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven't they simply done what he makes them do?"
20No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?" 21When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn't he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? 22In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. 23He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory. 24And we are among those whom he selected, both from the Jews and from the Gentiles.
Romans 9:14-24
Read All That Stuff Carefully! If That Stuff Doesn't Humble You, Frighten, and Enlighten You Like It Is Doing to Me... Well... Then Read It Again! (or sing, as the case may be) It Is the Power and Sovereignty of God Almighty! Forever His Name Be Praised! Amen.
I still have more to write about this weekend, primarily of the aftermath. While this sums up some of the stuff, there is far more to tell...