Esotropiart

Grandpa's situation weighs heavily on me. He eagerly awaits the moment he is freed from his frail body. Surely he wants to see, to hear, to walk and run like never before! I want it for him as well. Yet my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes I am selfish for him. I want to see what he can yet do. Perhaps we hold him back. My heart most certainly does.

Grandpa might be legally blind and nearly deaf and immobile. I tell you he has been for much of his life, though his recent and sudden decline has been shocking. Even so, in whatever condition dealt to him in life, he presses on. His Spirit surely shines brighter than most in the Realm of Light and Shadows. Where the infinite and spirits dwell, Grandpa is a force to be reckoned with. He wields all the necessary weapons like a mighty champion. Like Nimrod, He is a mighty warrior before the Lord!

For over a week Grandpa has been immobile in the hospital. Grandma and my parents have faithfully visited him every day, looking for hope, signs of revitalization and reconnection. The last couple days have been what we have come to call "good days". Thanks most likely to prayers of some of you, Grandpa has at least temporarily snapped out of his near coma state for bits of time here and there. He has spoken words that show signs of awareness.

On my birthday I receive good tidings. My parents and Grandma inform me that on more than one occasion when I was not there to visit Grandpa called out for me by name. Why me? I don't know. I feel unworthy of such concern and care... to be called by name. In fact it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart with joy to be on the mind of my precious grandfather, especially considering the apparent fragile state. Who am I to be so named? If I am thought of in the dark, confusing moments... if I am prayed for by a man so great as Ward Honey... if I am sought for whatever reason, in all this I am blessed. I can ask for no greater blessing from Grandpa. If only I was there to hear it. Who am I?

Some months ago I was led by the Spirit of God to ask for Grandpa's blessing - Old Testament style. He graciously honored my request and prayed over me. I have yet to share that story completely. I believe I now have some of the same power and blessing that God's Spirit gave to my Grandpa. Perhaps I'm more sinful and more frail than he is. Undoubtedly I err more easily even with my functioning eyes and ears. Surely I'm quicker to speak and slower to listen. Maybe this blessing is better "invested" in more fertile soil. Even so, the Spirit of God is upon me. For a number of reasons and in many ways I am new. This is just the beginning of a report how Grandpa has blessed me. I cannot adequately describe his positive influence.

If I can better love or bless Grandpa one more time - or a hundred times - while he yet waits in the flesh here on earth... Lord use me to do so. Forgive me for not serving better. I am a horrible beast of a man, bound by the flesh to serve my own interests. I try to shred away from myself and be lost in the Love that is Jesus Christ. Yet I fail so many times, so miserably. Forgive me if I have not loved you well, whomever reads. I am just a man with a broken heart and a wave-tossed spirit.

How can my life be made more readily available to the Lord of Hosts? Why does my stupid side always get in the way? How few days or hours pass between His powerful and rich blessing and restoration, and then I fail to obey again! What a wretched blood that pulses through my veins. Without the blood of Christ, I am lost every day. His sustenance and continual flow keep me alive. He alone can feed my famished spirit. In a world where darkness still holds sway, Lord let my soul be ruled by Light! Extend the boundaries of Your kingdom to include me completely. Don't let me dwell on the borderlands. Swallow me into the thick of it so I cannot fall away. Surround me completely. Make me less and less distinguishable, as You receive whatever glory from me You can.

My heavenly Father knows my name. He knows it well. He knew me fully before I was born. As God called out to Adam who hid from Him in the garden, He calls my name as well. I am lost. I have turned my back on Him and have eaten forbidden fruits. Disobedience has marked my way continuously. A blotted cloth was my garment. Yet these wretched features are replaced. Unworthy to take a step, but crawl: He lifts me up. He lifts my head to meet His eyes. I cannot look. He's too much for me. Even so I dare not look away, for all else is rot!

I wait to hear my name called out. I am not vain, nor do I love the sound of the letters or how they flow together. Rather, it is because I am nothing that I love to hear the sound of what to me is nothing. Who remembers one such as me? Or who can love one like me? Yet my name has been called more than once, and who will answer if I do not? Will I wait for the name to change, and He pass me by? I will not wait for the third or fourth call. No more counting games! Here I am Lord. Your servant is listening.

Now the young man Samuel was ministering to the LORD under Eli. And the word of the LORD was rare in those days; there was no frequent vision.

At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his own place. The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was.

Then the LORD called Samuel, and he said, "Here I am!" and ran to Eli and said, "Here I am, for you called me." But he said, "I did not call; lie down again." So he went and lay down.

And the LORD called again, "Samuel!" and Samuel arose and went to Eli and said, "Here I am, for you called me." But he said, "I did not call, my son; lie down again." Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD, and the word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him.

And the LORD called Samuel again the third time. And he arose and went to Eli and said, "Here I am, for you called me." Then Eli perceived that the LORD was calling the young man. Therefore Eli said to Samuel, "Go, lie down, and if he calls you, you shall say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant hears.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

And the LORD came and stood, calling as at other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" And Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant hears.

I Samuel 3:1-10 ESV

"Big deal," you say. So my ailing grandpa called my name. That's right, it IS a big deal! So it is a big deal that the Lord of heaven's armies calls my name. Do you want Him to call your name as well? What if He already has? Don't get so wrapped up in the things of this world that you risk missing it. Quiet yourself, or ask Him to. Don't miss out. It is a beautiful thing to hear your name called by someone greater than you are. It is humbling, but you can't help but bubble up with joy and gladness!