Esotropiart

Whoops. I don't know where all that came from... I couldn't stop typing. I want to glorify the Lord. I want to bask in His presence all day long! I want to see His face. I want to cast all that I once held dear before His feet and kiss His feet, for He is Lord of all creation. There is nothing that doesn't fall under the authority of Christ Himself, for He is God.

So I went to the cabin, starting Friday, going through Tuesday. Why did I do it? I wasn't sure how to answer that question myself. I am in a horrible situation. My life is constantly at an end. My light has stopped shining. The love is all gone. Fire is no longer burning. Heat is cold. I have lost myself. I am at the bottom.

Last time I met with elder Dave, I told him something like, "I wish I could seek God all the time, pray, read the Bible. But who can do that? We have to live too." (not verbatim, per my horrible memory). Since then it has been on my heart that I am horribly desperate for the Lord, His presence. Okay, let's say it goes back WAY farther than that! I was steeped in sin at birth. I was born blind! Inwardly I longed to be free, not even knowing what freedom was! I didn't know that Christ was the answer, how could I? We are all sinners, not one of us seeks God or is capable of such things.

Immediately after saying that horribly revealing thing to Dave, I realized the answer... "Um... why did I say that? Why did I just reveal my very weakness? The thing I choose NOT to do. I can seek God all day long. I can choose to be in love with Christ Himself. I can make a determination to be obedient to Him. It may take much effort and heart bending... but I can do it. It is the very thing I was made for. I was not made to work, to eat, to sleep, to play. I was made to seek the Lord Himself. If I lose out in this world, what does it matter? What happens if I neglect the salvation of the Lord? What happens if I spend 5 seconds of time not thinking about Jesus Christ when I could have done better? All my days I have thought of only myself. All things I have done to satisfy myself. All things I have done to hurt others... I have received nothing for these crimes. There is no legalism in being in love with Jesus. I cannot earn His favor. He has already given it." Okay, so I didn't think any of that. I just started writing stuff again! What I realized as I said that to Dave was, "I can praise God, seek His Word, live for Him more." It was a self prognosis, an obvious look into the emptiness of my soul in need of more of Christ.

Okay, that's an "introduction"? or something. I need to interrupt myself again or something. Try to follow if you can :) Sorry... too tired right now! I'll have to continue tomorrow. I'll probably write something completely different, something coherent. It's hard to make sense of what happened anyway. ZZZZZZ...