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Arbitrary Appellation and Assortments I: Planets

Pluto
Supposedly this is the highest resolution image we have of pluto. If this is our sharpest eye into our universe, how on earth are we making assumptions about anything in our solar system, much less outside it? The Hubble telescope must have the original GameBoy graphics engine installed. Methinks this is misinformation because take a look at some of the images retrieved from Hubble of places much farther away. Meu nome é Disco Planet.

Tragedy of all tragedies. I just learned through a friend that Pluto is no longer considered a planet by leading scientists. My whole existence and happiness is drawn from that moment 20 or so years ago when I learned that there were nine planets in our nameless solar system. It was one of those factoids that I never forgot, the nine planets in order. Kinda like the books of the Bible or the 50 states and their capitals. I remember very little, but 9 planets is one of those eternal givens - that is, until earth's destruction on September 18, 1996.

Pluto was knocked off the charts because of its small size and somewhat irregular orbit. Apparently the word planet was never formerly defined by a uselessly organized set of rules, so an enormous gathering of highly paid experts in the emerging field of defining the word planet came up with the rules we can now refer to as "Kill Pluto: I Never Liked How He Jumped Up on Mickey and Never Thought He Was Funny Anyway". Since the discovery of Pluto in 1930, many bodies of similar size and behavior have been discovered in our solar system. For consistency, the scientific term, planet obviously needed some consideration - it simply wasn't scientific before. I generally agree with this standpoint. If we are going to come up with names and scientific terminology, it should at least be based on something that is constant and absolute. Sentimentality doesn't fly in the world of science, sorry Pluto.

After I bore the news this afternoon, I started thinking, "What is a planet anyway". From childhood, I always considered a planet to be big, round, circling the sun, and generally not in a big heap with a bunch of other masses (like asteroids). This is seriously what I was thinking. Then I looked up the Wikipedia article on the whole issue, and guess what 19 great scientists determined? A planet is "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit." Um, is that anything new? Well, actually, since Pluto crosses over Neptune's solar orbit, scientists have reclassified Pluto as a dwarf planet. Apparently since Gimli has such a cross personality in Lord of the Rings, they created a new scientific term in his honor.

By the way, don't you think it strange that our "solar system" is nameless? It would be like calling earth, "the planet", the milky way "the galaxy" or "Delectable Chewy Chocolatey Goodness", Antarctica "The Icy Wasteland Where No Sane Person Lives But About 4000 Human-Like People Call Home" or "Unique Brazilian Refreshment", or our moon "the moon"... oh wait, um... With all this balderdash about naming conventions, you'd think they'd've (double contraction) been more particular about our own system's name. Aliens must snicker when they get the answer to their question, "What do you call your solar system?"

Interestingly enough, Hades was not particularly upset at being tossed out as one of the main seven gods because 1) He already experienced being tossed down once, and 2) If there is a real representation of Hades, it would be Satan, who was also tossed down, and prefers to operate in stealth mode anyway. The less people who acknowledge his existence, the better he can "work" on his deceptive, murderous plan for humanity. If you don't like dark, secret war mongers who want to kill you, see here for a solution and for methods of thwarting evil plans.

Oh, and throw in your suggestion for naming our solar system (or sun or moon or universe). Be sure to pick a cool, timeless name so if chosen, we don't regret it and think, "Man, that is totally like 21st century!" I vote for "Indiana Jones", "Nugget", "Earth's Hoam", or "Sista Buff Judson, Sizing Up Competitors and Losing Combinations Named 'Crud from Blue-Finned Budapest Cafe' Cry Baby 'I Never Liked Skaw Music' Deluxe Delight System 2006 Times Two". The "2006" is to make sure the name is modern, up-to-date and kinda techie-sounding. And if we ever start thinking "2006" or some of the other words in the name kinda date us or produce slightly negative vibes, well then you can just use the expression, "All's well that ends times two", which means that any combination of words when multiplied by an unexplicably large number, such as 2, turn out right in the end, like sunsets in movies. Feels much better now, like ice cream churning in the belly.

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