Esotropiart

"What to do, what to do...?"

I have been thinking a LOT about life lately. Maybe it's insanity, but I'm not too worked up about it. I'm bothered just enough to look for a creative outlet or solution. I have always wanted to do something to fulfill a meaningful purpose or to achieve a significant, satisfying goal.

Probably all souls have this yearning to do something with their life, but it is also common to feel alone in it. Subconsciously I look around with the unspoken assumption, "Everyone else has it much more together than me. They are all closer to their goals than I am. Most people have been provided with more means to attain their goals, or if they work hard something actually happens." Looking out there I see many people achieving something close to their dreams, where mine seem impossibly far off.

I think I have always been a dreamer. My mind constantly brews, and searches for a solution. Sometimes it feels like I have a search engine in my mind... it's processing, looking for a solution to a scientific curiosity, to my life's little problems, or to change the world. Sometimes my conscious self blanks out as I stare into the distance. My mind tests for different outcomes of an imaginary scenario until one path finds a route to success, or all paths fail. Most of the time my grand ideas come to a hault due to one or more perceived obstacles.

I feel that in order to truly "succeed" I need company or investment in my ideas. By "succeed," I don't mean to gain wealth, status, position, control or power. Success is to approach fulfillment or completion of whatever idea is in my mind. By myself, I have little ambition except for during very short seasons. My ambition and excitement fizzle without support and mutual enthusiasm from another person. It feels like I am a visionary with many ideas but no one to share them with.

I think every man needs at least one close friend to share ideas and thoughts with. There also needs to be someone to zone out with (hang out, watch movies, play video games, whatever). The two can be the same person or different individuals. It helps to find a friend who thinks similarly - or possibly someone who thinks in a complementary and constructive manner. Recently I was able to divulge some of my thoughts, ideas and life dreams to my great friend, Jubbadisk. This doesn't happen often enough, and it was a much needed discourse. The natural progression of life and family tends to distance men from their past friendships. It seems like most "dads" don't have the time for close friends anymore. While family, wife and kids should always come first, friendships are crucial too.

Sorry, no sensible or appropriate conclusion... just blah-ing. I could write more, but sharing where I'm at is good enough for now. Most people won't read such personal hullaballoo and rigamarole, but my blog is like my journal: full of disorganized junk! My blog is not a commercial one. It's not likely I will profit from it, except on a personal and spiritual level. I'd love to hear back from anyone about their own state of life. Where are you at? Do you have everything figured out? Are you still searching for purpose and fulfillment? What is your path or story? Write a comment if you wish to share with others (and me) about your life. Sometimes it feels better just to know someone is listening. I love to listen, and I also need someone to listen from time to time.